I have spent years trying to figure out the cause of my loneliness. It’s not of my own doing but a result of the events that have transpired in my life. Why couldn’t anyone hold me the same way they hold each other? Why did I have to be left out?

I have always felt trouble deeply connecting with people. My wife is the one who pointed it out and one night while having a deep conversation with her, she said to me, “That is so sad..” All I was doing was opening up about how I feel, how my mannerisms are, and why I do these things in my minds eye.

Ever since I was young, being a only child allowed me to have the coolest things but still have friends because I needed some interaction. I learned to be an extrovert for survival. Just the other day I came across a video about two brothers that were separated at birth and were meeting each other for the first time. My heart and soul were aching for that same feeling, something I will never feel. I get the same feeling when I watch videos about military members coming home to their families with the surprise reaction. I never imagine I’m the one who is state-side, I always imagine me being the military member. It leads me to believe that I yearn for some desire to be wanted. Not just wanted here because I provide something but wanted for a deeper reason.

My biggest fear has always been that I would be seen as useless and worth nothing, that should be everyones fear. We need to feel wanted. Since I have begun digging into these feelings and trying to uncover what they mean, it’s only led me closer to Jesus. A brother who I can count on no matter what and who loves me for me. Whether I provide or not, he’s there. I also show him the bold confidence that he is here all the time through spirit and mind.

My mind is out of it today for writing. It seems my mind is elsewhere. I have penciled out a new book to showcase my revolutionary educational system but I know that book will take quite some time and the problem is my ADHD won’t allow me to start because I know that book won’t be perfect but the problem is, it has to be. Revolutionizing the school system and introducing a new way to educate the next generation is the main reason I was put on this planet during this time. My book is an attempt to introduce the ideas and concepts but showcase the expected outcomes and what that does for our future. I’m excited for that, but it’s not quite time. I am in the process of raising my kids and building my family to be strong. It’s not time to start on my divine purpose.